I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?