Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
😆this is so true
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten