netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The news is so predictable nowadays
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.