Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir