Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.