excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Can’t stop laughing
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
meanwhile over on facebook
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?