Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
handsome & gretel
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.