DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My life coach traded me.