I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Otters see a butterfly.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Natty or not?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.