My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now