*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me, in DM rooms…
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”