me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away