*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.