Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?