You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The dark side of Canada
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.