Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable