It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
im 7 sauces long
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce