[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?