Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I鈥檓 excited to meet my children for the first time*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I鈥檓 a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don鈥檛 need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.