Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up