My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.