Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?