interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
You Might Also Like
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
hi why am I like this
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone