Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter