[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.