Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.