I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
all bases covered
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I hope it’s French Onion!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly