If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy