Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Bring back the McRib
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.