Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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Oh we’ve met.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.