People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.