Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.