“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”