40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat