*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Finally, an explanation.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Pigeon open mic night.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?