Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point