Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You Might Also Like
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I have two kinds of followers
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.