*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years