What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
excuse me
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.