I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks