If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep