Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?