My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
In banana years, I am bread.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.