“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?