Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I hope google does well on my son’s test
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
That’s classic.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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