me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.