ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
o shit
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.