“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”