[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me