I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.